Martha’s story, ‘I still have a mental illness’

For those who carry the cross of mental illness, can spirituality ease the journey?

“The church provides a cover. I find myself under its wing,” said Martha (not her real name). “It is not a shroud. It is my guidepost.”

Martha is an active member of a parish community in the Diocese of Camden. Those who worship with her in the pews may or may not be aware that Martha struggles with the challenges of mental illness.

Decades ago Martha was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. She was once a patient at Ancora Psychiatric Hospital. Over the years, she contemplated suicide more than once.

“I thought God wanted me to do it. During those times, I was deceived — and so confused,” Martha admitted.

At various times in her life, Martha said that she rejected God, knowing that he was reaching out to her, but feeling unable to move toward him. “I couldn’t accept myself, my limitations. I was a fallen person,” Martha said. “I fought the call of the Holy Spirit.”

Over those years, she discovered, with the inspiration she found in Mother Teresa’s words, with the help of “so many priests along the way,” and through the intercession of the Blessed Mother, that she was being called to holiness.

“I learned to accept my limitations,” Martha said. “I learned that there was help and hope. I started going to church. I received the sacraments and found strength in the Eucharist.”

On her “interactive journey” back to God, Martha found solace in the words of the Memorare, in her examination of conscience, and in the priest’s words of absolution.

“I still have a mental illness,” Martha said. “I need to stay on my medicines. I need to go to my ‘talk’ therapy.”

And when she doesn’t, or when the medicines are wearing off, Martha often faces disturbing experiences. She said that not only is she “unfair” to the kind friends that support her, but she finds herself beating back the demons that she’s fought so hard to ward off.

“If I am in church, if I am worshiping before the Blessed Sacrament, and my medicines are wearing off, I see Satan. I hear him. I hear the Ugly Spirit, who curses me. In church. I want to shout out to him. I want to tell him to leave me alone. Sometimes I cry. Church is such a public place. I get so frustrated and I don’t know what to do. It is very difficult.”

Martha sometimes speaks to others about these experiences in the hopes that it will help them on their journey. She also shares some of her writings:

“Peace is attainable — I assure you. The more you try to live a holy life, the more you are under siege by the Satan inside — that voice letting you know that you are inadequate.

“When I am at Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, I can become aware of the Face of Our Lord — as depicted on the Holy Shroud of Turin —appearing on the Blessed Host. It is a true reminder that Jesus died for me. I try not to accuse myself so intensely. Not being too hard on oneself — not expecting complete perfection — this is a part of healing.”