It seems to me that when many of us were growing up marriage was always presented as something to be desired. It was a golden prize that I could look forward to receiving.
I could receive that prize at the end of adolescence. Or I could receive that prize at the end of college. Or I could receive that prize at the beginning of a career.
The message was that marriage was all that you needed in life. If you got married, you would be happy and healthy. If you got married you would find meaning, fulfillment, passion and purpose.
The message that we did not hear was that there is a great possibility that we often bring negative baggage into our marriages. This negative baggage could bring misery into your marriage; that could bring unhappiness into your marriage.
Nobody told us that we could bring ghosts into our marriages that could bring ruin into our marriages; that could bring unhappiness into our marriages; that could bring suffering and harm into our marriages.
The negative baggage and the ghosts that we bring into our marriages are the result of our early childhood programming. We experienced the programming at home and at school. We acquired our values, beliefs and attitudes from our parents and teachers; from our peers and mass media.
Very early we internalized these values, beliefs and attitudes. We follow these guides, believing that they will lead us to satisfying and meaningful relationships. Instead, these fallacies undermine happiness in marriage.
These values, beliefs and attitudes that we internalized had to do with where we are going to find happiness. They had to do with where we find meaning. They had to do with how to blame others for how we think and feel.
Here are some of the ways that we often bring misery instead of loving-kindness into our marriages and our families. Here are some of the myriad ways we sabotage our marriages and our families.
Do not forget a hurt. Do not forget an oversight. Do not forget an injustice. Do not forget a criticism. Do not trust your spouse. Do not trust his or her goodness and good intentions.
Always be suspicious. Always look for faults in your spouse. Always keep looking back. Always bring up the past. Always keep gunny sacking.
Always demand an agreement with your viewpoint. Always look for an agreement with your opinions and your perspective on things.
Always demand control over your spouse. Always demand influence over your spouse. Always demand power over your spouse.
Always demand that you know what your spouse did all day long. Always expect a detailed accounting of how your spouse spends his or her time.
Always feel like a victim. Always feel nobody likes me. Always feel nobody understands me. Always feel nobody appreciates me.
Always feel nobody appreciates how hard I work. Always feel nobody acknowledges the big sacrifices I make.
Always be self–critical. Always be self–judging. Always be self–condemning. Always be self-shaming. Always be self-absorbing.
Always expect that your marriage should be easy and blissful. Always expect that your marriage should have no difficulties. Always expect that your marriage should be hassle free.
Always expect your spouse and the children to accept you. Always expect them to praise you. Always expect them to admire you. Always expect them to value you. Always expect them to say thank you.
The reality is that what you need in life and in your marriage is radical self–acceptance. The acceptance of your spouse is desirable but it is not near as essential as self–acceptance.
Radical self-acceptance enables us to live independently of the good or bad opinion of a spouse or ones children. It brings freedom and fearlessness into your marital life.
What you need is the radical acceptance of your own body; of your own emotions; of your own feelings; of your own history; of your own past and present; of your whole self.
Self-acceptance is the fundamental and essential element that makes a marriage work. Self-acceptance is the jewel we need for happiness in a marriage. It is at the core of a meaningful and satisfying marital relationship.
Loving a spouse has a lot to do with getting rid of some early programming about what you need in a relationship. It requires that we unlearn our deeply ingrained beliefs and behaviors.
It requires a total transformation of the beliefs we hold about happiness in a marriage. It may require a total conversion. It may require a total turning around of what you believe makes a marriage work.
It may require facing and admitting our flawed thinking and negative behaviors. It may require a deep healing at a basic human level from the early programming and modeling that led to our addictiveness to blame others for how I feel.
Only letting go of a lot of bad mental habits and bad behaviors can enable some individuals to embody a better understanding of how to follow the command of St. Paul, “Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies” (Eph 5:25).
Msgr. Thomas J. Morgan is retired pastor of St. Mary and St. Thomas More parishes, Cherry Hill.
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