The National Retail Federation estimates that spending for Mother’s Day last year totaled $31.7 billion, an increase of $3.6 billion from record spending the year before.
The annual holiday is, in part, a subtle acknowledgement of the stress associated with motherhood. A recent Pew survey finds almost half of all mothers find parenting tiring and about a third find it stressful at least most of the time. So, in recognition of both the stresses and the joys of motherhood, some 150 million women get cards on the second Sunday of May. Sometimes, there are also flowers, jewelry, spa days, restaurant meals and so on.
An inspiring but less visually appealing image associated with motherhood comes with the life story of Joseph Merrick. A grossly disfigured man who lived in England (1862-90), he is more commonly known by the name he was given as a sideshow attraction: the Elephant Man.
The exact nature of Merrick’s disorder remains unknown, but it had a severe effect on both his bones and his skin, resulting in extreme deformities. He was lame, had trouble speaking and lived in constant pain.
His story became familiar to America audiences through a 1979 Tony award-winning play and a film, directed by David Lynch, the following year. Both were titled “The Elephant Man.” (Among the actors to portray Merrick during the play’s run were David Bowie, Mark Hamill and Bradley Cooper.)
Although created independently, both the drama and the movie drew heavily on the same two sources. One was an account written by Sir Frederick Treves, a physician who befriended Merrick and arranged for him to live out his last years in relative peace and comfort.
The second source was a 1971 book by Ashley Montagu, an anthropologist who taught for a time at Rutgers University. Both Treves and Montagu were interested in more than Merrick’s deformities. Montagu’s book is titled “The Elephant Man: A Study in Human Dignity.”
In the preface, Montagu writes that what his book is “finally, really about is the triumph of the human spirit over adversity.” Despite extreme hardships and mistreatment, Merrick was not bitter and resentful but gracious and sensitive. In the final period of his life, under Treves’ care – still trapped in a malformed body and living with memories of humiliating and degrading experiences – he would tell the doctor, “I am happy every hour of the day.”
“The deformed experience of Merrick did not lead to the development of a deformed personality,” Montagu wrote.
The anthropologist speculates that one crucial factor was the love and affection Merrick experienced from his mother during the significant early years of his life. She died when he was an adolescent, and Merrick kept a picture of her with him all the time.
In his own writing, Treves, the physician, observed that Merrick had only a faint memory of his mother, but he revered her. “It was a favorite belief of his that his mother was beautiful,” he noted.
The importance of a person’s upbringing is easy to overestimate. Siblings raised by the same parents, in the same way, often become very different people. As all parents learn, they can influence their children but not determine their lives. On the other hand, few individuals describe their relationship with their mother as inconsequential. Merrick, who did not have his mother during the stressful teenage years, probably idealized her. But idealized or not, those memories and images seemed to help him endure a life of indescribable suffering with patience and fortitude.
While an extreme example, on Mother’s Day, Catholics should remember Merrick’s life and say a prayer for all mothers. That includes those who seem almost perfect as well as those whose faults are more obvious; those who are easily happy and those who often moody; those singing lullabies to their babies and those struggling to maintain good relations with their teenagers; those who are naturally optimistic and those who are natural worriers.
We should also pray for women who yearn to be mothers but have no children; those who feel scared and alone because of an unwanted pregnancy; those burdened by the complications of single parenthood or divorce; those who grieve miscarriages, stillbirths and the death of a child (no matter the age); and many others.
After all, the Christian story can be said to have begun when the angel Gabriel asked an inexperienced, unwed woman to accept all the joys and worries, all the responsibilities, and all the sacrifice and love that come with motherhood. Feeling naturally overwhelmed, she nonetheless agreed.
Carl Peters is former managing editor of the Catholic Star Herald.
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