Nora and Mike met in college. They fell in love right away. It was instantaneous. It was magical. They delighted being together. They reveled doing things together. They were infatuated with each other.
Romantic love was the glue that brought them together. It was the hypnotic power that gave them euphoria, harmony and bliss. They celebrated the sacrament of marriage in their local church.
Deep down both believed that they would be exempt from the marital problems of their parents. Their love would never die. They would always feel each other’s love. Their love was special. Their love would be eternal.
Then one day Nora came to my office and complained about her husband. Her complaint was that Mike is a mystery. Mike came to my office and complained about his wife. His complaint was that Nora is a mystery.
Nora and Mike were looking to each other for love and belonging. Then they were blaming each other when their needs were not met. This led to both of them doubting each other’s commitment to the marriage. They just could not accept and understand each other’s differences and imperfections.
However, it was very clear from their very first visit that both wanted to be valued. Both wanted to be loved. Both wanted to be appreciated. Both wanted to be understood.
Both wanted to be heard. Both wanted to make the marriage work.
They were approaching the marital relationship differently. They were problem solving differently. They were parenting differently. They were not listening to each other.
In a structured method, they practiced empathic listening skills. They felt each other’s pain. They attended to each other’s hurts. They uncovered each other’s wounds. They respected each other’s fears. They gave each other forgiveness.
It became obvious that Nora favored things like listening and kindness and conciliation and emotional support and being cherished and being respected in most situations. Mike favored things like decision-making and getting things done and seeing everything in black and white categories.
Gradually, both Nora and Mike saw that despite romantic love they were fundamentally different. They were not always in sync. They did not always want what the other wanted. They did not always feel what the other was feeling. And they learned that it was all right to be different. Any other expectation was unrealistic.
Their listening to each other and the uncovering of their differences and imperfections were major steps for improving their relationship.
Gradually, over a long period, Nora and Mike came to understand their differences and imperfections. They came to respect their differences and imperfections.
Their hearing each other and their accepting of each other’s imperfections and differences are the two key elements more than anything else that has allowed their love to blossom again. Their acceptance of each other and their non-judgmental listening unlocked their potentialities for a happier life together.
Both Nora and Mike have come to realize that professing romantic love is easy. But that practicing mature love takes a lot of effort, a lot of time, a lot of courage, a lot of tenacity and a lot of hard work. And they learned that we need to own the issues in our relationships and listen to how our actions are affecting the other person.
St. Paul, in his epistle to the Romans, has wise counsel for all couples and families who want to be heard and who want to live lovingly, joyfully and hopefully with all their differences and all their imperfections when he says:
“Rejoice with those who rejoice … be sad with those in sorrow … treat everyone with equal kindness … never be condescending … do not allow yourself to become self-satisfied… never repay evil with evil … but let everyone see that you are interested only in the highest ideals …. do all you can to live at peace with everyone … never try to get revenge” (Romans; 12; 14-19).
Msgr. Thomas J. Morgan is a retired pastor of the Diocese of Camden.
at the bottom and then tap “Add to Home Screen”