The moment I knew I was born to be a deacon

By Deacon Omar M. Aguilar

Ten years and seven months ago, as eight men lay prostrate before the altar at Mass at the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception in Camden, one of them sobbed quietly. The date was Sept. 25, 2010. The occasion was the ordination of these eight to the permanent diaconate for the Diocese of Camden.

I was the crying man. As I lay there, listening to the church full with the people of God praying the Litany of the Saints over us, I broke down in tears of joy. I then had the full realization that it was God who had called me and had brought me to that place and the time to fulfill His plan for my life. It was at that moment I knew I was born to be a deacon, an icon of Jesus Christ, the servant.

My calling to the diaconate had not been so clear cut before then.

I first became aware of a possible vocation to the diaconate when my then-pastor, the late Msgr. Robert McDermott, asked that I consider applying for admission to the diocesan diaconate formation program. His words shocked me. Although at the time I was involved in several parish ministries, the thought of discerning a vocation to ordained ministry had never crossed my mind.

That night, I mentioned Father Bob’s suggestion that I seek admission to diaconate formation to my wife, Maureen. Well aware of my weaknesses and defects and unable to fathom what he saw that would cause him to suggest the diaconate to me, we both laughed at the thought.

Not wanting to disappoint him by not even trying, I told her that I would apply, figuring my application would not be accepted. Much to our surprise, I was accepted to a period of aspirancy where I, along with other men, would more intentionally discern God’s plan in our lives.

During this time, I met many men and women of strong faith and spiritual character. I felt out of my depth. These new friends encouraged me to continue despite my early self doubt. I completed the aspirancy period with the help of my brother aspirants as well as Maureen’s support.

Before starting formal formation, all the men were required to undergo a psychological evaluation. With a sense of acceptance, I thought, “this is surely the end of the line for me.” When I got home after the evaluation, I asked Maureen to buy me some time to get away through the back door if any men in white showed up looking for me. No such appeared and I began formation in full.

For the next six years, with Maureen’s full support, I received direction which deepened my trust in God and increased my knowledge of my faith tradition. Still, I continued to experience painful bouts of doubt and self recrimination.

Slowly, the Holy Spirit led me to recognize these as temptations designed by the accuser to lure me away from the Father. My willingness to follow God’s will where it would take me was strengthened by my brothers in formation. I gradually came to realize that I was not called to the diaconate for any merit I might have. I was being called regardless of merit so that if I was called to Holy Orders, anything good coming from my ministry would be patently the work of God.

Since my ordination, 10 years ago, I have learned what it means to let God be God in my ministry and in my life. I have taken to heart the words of the psalmist:

“My soul clings to you;

your right hand holds me fast” (Ps 63:9)

Amen.

Deacon Omar M. Aguilar serves at Our Lady of Guadalupe, Lindenwold.