A priest I greatly admired was about to give me some constructive criticism. He began, “Someone once said to me what I’m about to say to you, and I didn’t like it at the time, but later I thought about it and decided it was good advice!” The feedback itself was helpful, but what I pondered even more was his initial statement.
It can be hard to be corrected, but if we take the feedback well, it can truly help us to grow. Generally, if I am told I am incorrect, I am willing to listen to the other person and learn something. Honestly, I find it harder to give constructive feedback than receive it. I was one of the younger children in the family, and was a little younger in my peer group. Even as a young adult, I shied away from leadership roles. I felt I was surrounded by people who seemed smarter, more experienced and more talented than I.
Even as I have grown and gained more experience and education, I can sometimes feel that others have more wisdom. This is also why I have a hard time giving any sort of correction – I still feel I am younger, less experienced, not as well-educated, etc. That’s when self-doubt can play a devastating role – especially when I am right, and the person is morally wrong or in a dangerous situation. Then, there could be a real obligation on my part to speak up and not let excuses get in the way.
If you find yourself in this position, here are some tips that have helped me deal with uncomfortableness in difficult conversations. The first thing to do is, of course, pray. Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom to discern if this is in fact a wrongdoing or safety issue and if it is necessary to speak up. Then, journal about what you need to say and ask the Holy Spirit for direction. Remember that you want to stay calm, be respectful of the other person and be reasonable with your expectations. Be sure to speak directly. I have often made the mistake of dropping hints, but people rarely pick up on them the way we intend. It is better to be clear and concise to avoid confusion. Don’t feel like the opportunity has passed. You can always approach the person later and begin the conversation with, “I’ve given some thought about what happened last week …”
Most people will respond reasonably well with feedback if it is delivered respectfully. If not, look back at the encounter. You are only responsible for how you acted. If you feel you could not have done any better, then be at peace with it and offer it to God. If you feel like you lost your temper, you can later apologize and say, “I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you about … It’s an important matter to me, and I realize that I was harsh and that was not my intent.” This allows you to apologize for your actions, but not recant what you said. If it is a very serious issue and the individual doesn’t respond well, you may have to take it to a higher level. If that is the case, the leader will appreciate that you took the initiative to try to work it out yourself.
Sometimes we feel we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time and wish we hadn’t observed this or heard that. Well, truthfully, God might have put you in that situation because He knows you are the best person to deal with it prayerfully, maturely and respectfully. We more often regret things left unsaid, and maybe the person will not like what you said at first, but later think about it and decide it was good advice.
Sister M. Emily Vincent Rebalsky, IHM, is the program director at Villa Maria by the Sea Retreat Center, Stone Harbor. For more information about retreats at Villa Maria by the Sea, visit VMbytheSea.com. For information about discerning a vocation with the Sisters, Servants of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, Malvern, PA, visit ihmimmaculata.org.
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